Archive for February, 2012

I am terrible at relaxing.

For the past nine months and change, I have been working 7 days a week.  That is on top of all the stuff I have to do for Mischief Managed, and for Khatovar.  Now, I finally have a job that doesn’t require me to work all week long to make enough money to get by… yet here I am at 5 am on a Sunday working OT.

I haven’t just worked OT this weekend.  Yesterday I went in for half a shift, came home, and worked on chainmaille and a new line of merchandise I want to start selling at Mischief Managed shows.

Today I’ll go home and clean the house, walk the dog, and likely work on those two things all over again until I feel suitably accomplished for the day.

Result?  I am exhausted.  Yet I can’t do the necessary thing and just *sit down* for a moment.

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For some people it takes strength to show who they truly are.  For one reason or another they are ashamed of themselves, or what people will think.  I haven’t had that problem since a very young age, and I am very thankful for that, but on the flipside I am graced with one heck of a personality to deal with.  I marvel at the people who are brave enough to be who they truly are, and that person is a kind, mild mannered, delightful person to be around.  Seriously people, I aspire to be you!

I am loud, and opinionated.  You have heard me talk in the past about how I’m kind of a guy a lot of the time, and I treat my friendships as such.  If you don’t understand what I mean by that, my brief explanation is always this: Men treat friendships like a football, and they last forever.  Women treat friendships like a glass slipper, and they shatter with the smallest of falls.  Another personal favorite is men spend their friendships trading insults they don’t mean, women spend their friendships trading compliments they don’t mean.

With all that being said, I’ve put together some simple tips for mastering that strong personality of (mine) yours, so (we) you can find a way to walk that delicate line of having a strong personality, and being a giant bag of jerk.

1.)  Location, Location, Location!

This is number one for a reason, kids!   There is a time and a place for that strong personality of yours.   Corporate world?  Not one of them.   You have opinions, that’s fine.  Shut up unless it’s your turn to be talking, and to be clear, if you’re not sure, it’s likely not.   I am in many situations where my temper and personality need to be shoved in to that deep, dark corner of my mind until we’re done playing with the other kids.   It’s not gonna be easy, and that’s okay, get over it and do it, or you’re going no where in this world.

This brings me to the next place:  Facebook/anyothersocialmediasitethatmakesyoufeellikeyou’retoughwhenyoupostyourbigbritchesopiniononit.   Guess what, princess?  You’re not tough, you’re talking trash over the internet.   You have opinions, that’s fine, and if you want to post them, that’s also fine.  Your butt better be respectful when you do, and don’t get all upset if someone disagrees with what you have to say.  You’re entitled to your opinion, and they’re entitled to think you’re an idiot for it.

2.) Being Ornery has its Place.

Remember how I was just talking about how guy friendships are?   My friends say some mean crap to me!  I say some pretty mean crap back.  None of us ever mean any harm,  it’s just kind of the relationship.  I spend more time beating on and insulting my brother than  I do saying nice things to him, and I honestly think he’s one of the greatest people on the planet.   That mean behavior doesn’t have a place with someone you’ve just met.  Everyone’s different, and you need to get a feel of how your relationship with that person is going to be before you go throwin’ around the playful insults.  Words hurt, and if someone doesn’t know you well enough to know you don’t mean it, you could actually hurt them.

I also have friends who I’ve known forever who I don’t have that type of relationship with.  It’s not that we’re not close, it’s just that’s not how we are with one another.  Every relationship (whether you have a tough personality to deal with or not) needs to be evaluated differently.

3.) Let Them Know You Love Them.

If you have an abrasive personality, that makes it even more important to remind the people in your life that you love them.  Even if you know they know you care, you still need to remind them.  They’ll likely make fun of you and you’ll poke at each other about it for a while, but I promise you, it’s important.  Do it.  (no Linda!)

4.) It’s NOT the Same!

“I’m not rude, I just have a strong personality!” is the same as “I’m not fat, I’m just big boned!”  Sorry sweets, you’re rude, or fat, or possibly both, but for the purpose of staying on topic, you’re probably rude.   Having a strong personality is not an excuse to be a rude jerk to everyone you meet.  You say please, you say thank you, you mind your bloody manners, or you are just rude.  Rude is not good.  Fix it, or go crawl in a hole.  Thanks.

5.) Be Who You Are.

This can be hard when some people have a tough time dealing with your personality.   We have all lost friends at one point in our life because our personalities simply did not mesh.  If you’re a healthy human being, you go through a period of introspection to decide whether it’s you, or it’s them.  Or whether your behavior is acceptable.  Again, that’s healthy.  You should evaluate yourself on a constant basis to better yourself as a person.   With that being said, if you have healthy relationships with several people, and this one person (or one clique of people if you’re really unlucky) has decided they don’t like you, you need to think of the possibility that it could be on them.   If you like you as a person, and the people you love and care about like you as a person, then don’t change just because one person couldn’t deal with you.   There are gonna be people who can’t.  In fact, since you have a strong personality, several people probably wont like you.

It’s a hard line to balance.  I am lucky having a wonderful support group of friends and family filled with people who smack me upside my tiny, thick skull, when I become a twit.   On the flip side,  they poke, prod, beat, and nurture the heck out of me.   Which takes me to number 6.

6.) Acquire the Right Friends.

This is important for everyone in life, not just people who are occasionally a little hard to handle, but I mention it here because it is so important for you if you worry about that balance between being somewhat of a spitfire, and being a complete jerk.    Again, I am graced with a fantastic group of people who back me when I’m right and smack me when I’m wrong.   When ever I’m concerned about that line, or having a sad introspective day of  “oh no, is it me? doom/gloom/whine!”, they are there to give me the honest truth.   It’s usually one of three things: a-Yes, it is you, chill out, don’t be stupid, and come back when you can play with the others, b-no, it’s not you, don’t worry, or c- Yes, it is you… but that’s okay!  And that takes us to 7!

7.) Yes!  It Is You, and that’s Okay!

I can not stress this enough, and this is to people with all types of personality, not just ones that are sometimes hard to handle.  Some people just aren’t gonna like ya.  I can name five people off the top of my head who have never done one thing to me that I just do not like for one reason or another, and I can name far more who I can’t think of one thing that I could have done to piss in their cheerios (and trust me, people’s cheerios are like my favorite tree some days), and they just don’t like me either.

Not everyone you meet is going to like you.  Get over it, right now, all of you, regardless of personality.  I am so serious.  You will live a far, far happier life when you get that cold hard fact through your skull.

You have countless things against you. Pharamones, Hormones, xylophones, conditioning, environment, really, the list goes on.   Some people just ain’t gonna like ya.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this little list I decided to make at 5am this morning.  Find your balance, be happy with you, and always remember that Dr. Suess had it right:  Be who you are, and say what you feel.  Because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.

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Before I get in to the actual point of this post, I should mention my sleep schedule so that it makes sense.  As of right now, I am attempting to do a split sleep schedule.  I sleep 4 hours after i get home from work (never happens, I usually sleep about 2-3 at this point) and then am up for 4 hours, then go back to sleep for the remaining 4 hours before my shift starts.

Today, I came home from work as per usual, and went to sleep.  I then woke up at 5.  However, I thought that I had awoke at 5 am, which is when I need to be to work. 

I then called my boss, at which point I received his voicemail, and left him a hurried apology and told him I would be on my way.  I texted Brian shortly after this, to which after a few moments he responded, confused.

It was at that point that I realized I had not, indeed, slept for 14 hours straight without flinching, but had woken up at my normal time after my first sleep shift. 

I had to, at this point, call my boss’ voicemail back and explain that I am, in fact, a twit, and that I would see him at work tomorrow.


Needless to say, I will be asking for a new shift at their earliest possible convenience. 

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I’ve never been girly.  I have certain girly things that I like, such as glitter.  I’m also good at makeup, and hair, and when I try, dressing like a female.  With all that, I belch with the best of ’em, play in the dirt, hang with the guys, mostly think like a guy, play video games, can leave the house without my hair and makeup done, can go on a trip with one small bag designated for two weeks of living, 1 pair of jeans lasts a week, and generally speaking I wear the same pair of shoes every day.

I don’t see issue with women who are that way, it’s just never been my thing.  Generally speaking, I am proud of that.  I like being able to take care of myself, fight my own battles, and clean up my own messes.

Being in a relationship, though, has made me like and feel new things as well.

I smile when he pulls out my chair and opens my doors or helps me in to my coat.  He brings me flowers and surprises me with small gifts.  My best friend and I have a word for that smile.  It’s called stupid girly face.

As anyone who reads these knows, he left for another show a couple of weeks ago.  He is living out another one of his dreams, and that makes me more proud than I can say.  That doesn’t mean him being gone isn’t absolutely heartwrenching.

It makes me feel silly.  Enchanted was on this morning, then we watched Rocky.  Two movies that very much make me think of him, even when he’s not gone.  I found myself tearing up at parts, just because they made me think of him.

That made me realize that gradually, though out this relationship, I have become girly in those certain ways.  Making a stupid gooshy face when he does nice or chivalrous things.  Missing him while he’s gone despite the solid rationale that he will be coming back.

Recently though I have had another epiphany.  It’s okay.

I grew up being one of the guys, and I still am, but it’s alright that I have feminine emotions from time to time, because I am, indeed, a girl.

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Coping with Change

“If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” – Frederick Douglass

There has been a lot of change over the last week.  Thankfully only one is (*fingers crossed*) permanent.

The permanent one would be the new job, which will likely (I hope)  not be permanent in the most literal sense, but I hope it at least lasts for a little while, and I am given the opportunity to move up.

This week has been training, which I have found to be all but pointless, but they pay me either way so I wont complain.  Everyone’s been asking for a bunch of updates, but honestly I really don’t have a lot to report.   I trained.  I’m sleepy.  I train more next week.

They do pay me more, they give me the ability to not have to work several jobs to make endsmeat.  They let me stay home when the state gets rocked by snow, that was rather awesome today.

Honestly though, other than that I don’t have a lot to say.  I’ll gladly repeat “I’m tired” though, cause holy hell getting used to this new schedule is brutal.

On my second day at the new job, Brian went on the road again.  Last time I was at least able to see him off, this time I had to leave the house at 5 am to get to said job, and it was brutal.

I can’t say why it was so terrible knowing that he was at home getting ready, still in the state, and that I couldn’t see him.  Rationally it makes absolutely no sense as it was just several hours earlier than he would be leaving that I said goodbye.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that it sucked, a lot.

Despite how terribly painful it is to say goodbye, it is worth it.  Watching him chase a dream only makes me love him more, no matter how much it hurts.

Needless to say, I’m counting down the days till he comes home.

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